remembering

today i had dinner with daddy at chinatown.

then went chinatown's OG to shop. this OG has heaps of memories. the favourite place my parents like to bring me to. used to have a restaurant upstairs? i wouldnt say they serve fantastic food - but i aint no gourmet, i always look forward to having my meals there...

now im like so big liao - brings back alot of memories.

then on the way back in the car, the topic of sea sea came up.

and it is the first time, i sensed sadness in my dad regarding sea sea.

at the pet hospital - that goddamn mount pleasant - all of us are wailing our hearts and lungs out on the sight of her motionless-but-still-warm body.

none of us were prepared for her death at all. :(

she was still very much alive in the morning. being her usual self.

but papa is the cool one who didnt shed a tear and asked us not to be sad. esp to my mummy.

and asked us to all go home (since it was 1 am when it happened).

subsequently life had to go on - and while we were all mourning - he was making sure things happen and life goes on.

i never thought he felt sad. i think maybe he's strong enough to handle death maybe.

today i felt sad. because he felt sad.

he was telling me how sea sea would climb onto his bed and lie down beside him. then he would inch back cos he didn't wanna have "skin contact" with her - rather i think he wants to give her more space.

and sea sea would pretend to sleep then wake up then inch back and lie skin-on-skin with my dad.

each time my dad moves back, she followed suit.

little actions like that endears our hearts and she has always been the darling of the family. eventually - my dad gave up his place on the bed and slept on the floor while sea sea slept with my mum.

my daddy commented: she died too early.

i think its a matter of suddenness.

barely a week since i came back from australia - she passed on.

everytime someone asks about sea sea - i feel a lump in my throat.

everytime i talk about her - i have to struggle to contain my tears.

everytime i think about her - i still have to struggle......

it is so hard.

:(

i really hope i dont have to deal with death again.

i suck at this.


nobody said it was easy. no one ever said it would be this hard.
oh take me back to the start.

i hope you are happy wherever you are. a place where you get to gai gai everyday and eat mcnuggets and drink coke every day. a place where you have the biggest beds and the softest pillow to sleep in where you don't have skinny feet after your bath. no apple to bully you. a place where you can run forever and not pant. no more medicine and pills and medicine and pills.

;(